The Rivals
by Mez the revengeful
Summary: This is my mixture of The Producers and Invader Zim! What will happen when Zim plans to create a hypnotizing broadway musical? How will Dib stop him? This fic contains all of the songs in The Producers in Invader Zim form. NO ROMANCE EITHER!
1. Do the play!

A/N: WOO! This is my mixture of The Producers and Invader Zim! I'm kinda surprised that no one else has done this topic, because I thought that The Producers and Invader Zim were quite alike. My mind is messed up. Anyway, most of the songs that the characters sing are based off of, not the movie soundtrack, but the original Broadway cast recording. Yeah. I couldn't really think of an opening, so this chapter is basically about forcing Zim and Dib to do the musical. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim. I do not own The Producers either, Mel Brooks does.

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A girl paced the small room, occasionally glaring at the two beings seated in front of her. Her dark blonde hair hung lifelessly on her shoulders and her black T-shirt was stained with a red liquid.

With a sigh, she stopped in front of a chalk board on the wall. "Okay… Let's try this again… You two, do… da play." she ordered slowly. "NO!" came the immediate reply. The girl, whose name was Mez by the way, growled slightly and rushed over to one of the figures. "WHY NOT, DIB! HUH? You gots a problem with musicals?" she yelled.

Dib recoiled as much as the ropes that bound him would allow. "No! I have a problem with doing a musical with that horrible alien monster!" he retorted, sending a glare filled with utter loathing at the Irken seated next to him. Zim struggled against the chains that tied him to the chair. "And I have a problem with participating in a filthy human musical with that disgusting being of flesh and spleen!" he shouted, his glare pricking Dib like one thousand needles.

Mez screamed with frustration, nearly pulling her hair out. The door to the room suddenly burst open and a teenage girl with a spiffy black trench coat entered. Her long dirty-blonde hair was in a neat pony tail, and her red shirt with a skull on it was wrinkled to the point of not being recognized.

"Hey guys! Sorry for barging in like that, but I kinda want to start the show." she explained, kicking the door closed. Mez ran over to the girl, who just happened to be named Caitlin, and started to clarify why they were taking so long, "Zim and Dib are being jerks!" she whined childishly. Raising an eyebrow, Caitlin stared at Mez. "We don't need their consent to this, ya know?" she informed. Mez blinked. "Yeah, but when am I going to get a chance to tie them up like this again?" she asked. Sighing, Caitlin snapped her fingers, releasing Dib and Zim. Using her amazing author powers, she started her horrible rewrite of The Producers. Everything, including Zim and Dib's screams, faded into darkness…


	2. Reviewing Time

A/N: This is the first song of this parody! WOO! The original version of this song in The Producers is: Opening Night. Just so ya know.

Disclaimer: I still don't own The Producers or Invader Zim.

Reviewing Time:

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_With a burst of light, the outside entrance to an Irken building appears. The two guards stationed outside of it look at each other, then randomly burst into song._

Guards: Reviewing tiiiiiime… It's reviewing tiiime! It's Zim the Irken's latest mission, did he fail or did he do well? The control brain is making it's conclusion, here comes the audience now. The doors are opening, they're on their way. LET'S HEAR WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY!

_The doors slam open and a crowd of Irkens pour out._

Random Irkens: He's done it again, he's done it again! Zim the Irken has done it again! He has relieved it, you can't conceive it.

An Irken Pilot: How'd he achieve it?

All: He's done the worst job ever! We sat there sighing, groaning, and mocking! There's no denying… HE'S THE WORST SOLDIER OF ALL!

Female Scientist: Even with a fake mission-

All: He has not made any progress! ZIM THE IRKEN HAS DONE IT AGAIN! His SIR's defected, his base is obvious. He has been stopped by a pitiful smeetling!

_They all break out in laughter._

All: We could conquer faster.

Lone Service Drone: What a disaster!

All: We are still in shooock! Who should be put on trial? That arrogant, ignorant, Zim the defective! What scum!


	3. The Best of All Invaders

A/N: I'm actually pleased with this chapter/song! Anyway, The original version of this song in The Producers is: The King of Broadway.

Disclaimer: Do you THINK I own Invader Zim and The Producers now? …Didn't think so.

The Best of All Invaders:

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_The crowd dissipates and moments later Zim walks out of the judgment building. He glares at the horrible reviews that he received. With a resigned sigh, he puts the documents in his PAK and begins to walk to the docking bay where he left his Voot Cruiser._

Zim: I used to be the best. The best of all invaders. The best of everything, was _mine_ to have each day.

_He looks up and starts to march in tune to the music that seemingly came from nowhere._

Zim: I always had the biggest missions, the biggest breaks from said missions, my Tallests gave me the biggest tips. I never was the pits in anyway!

_Suddenly a group of Irkens approach him._

A Group of Irkens: We believed in you, thousands couldn't! We believed in you, despite your worth! We believed in you, thousands couldn't! We believed in you despite the facts!

_Zim completely ignores them, too wrapped up in his own self pity to notice. _

Zim: I used to be the best.

Group: The best!

Zim: The best of all invaders.

Random passerby: It's good to be the best!

_Zim continues to walk down the street, followed by the group of Irkens._

Zim: My praises they would sing, no one stood in my way.

_His pace quickens and his singing has a tinge of anger in it._

Zim: My transports were always first class, the best sodas would fill my glass, Gir once forced me to ride an ass, (Donkey) you couldn't call me bad in anyway!

_The group of Irkens grows in size and they swarm around him, glaring the whole time._

Group of Irkens: We believed in you, thousands couldn't! We believed in you, despite your worth! We believed in you, thousands couldn't! We believed in you despite your defects!

_Zim, still oblivious, keeps singing._

Zim: There was a tiiiiime when I was young and naïve, a smeet, there was a time when I was boooold. There was a tiiiiime when each and every place… I touched… Would certainly explode!

_Zim starts to wail loudly in dismay._

Group of Irkens: There was a time he wore the finest clothes. His boots were always cool.

Zim: Nooooow I drive a rented voot cruiser… That's… two weeks… overdue!

Group of Irkens: Poor ol' Zimmy, what a defect! Poor ol' Zimmy, what a jerk! Poor ol' Zimmy, what a loser! Poor ol' Zimmy, what a shame!

_Zim stops crying and takes a packet of performance reviews from his PAK. Scowling when he sees the Empire's displeasure with his mission on Earth._

Zim: Such reviews! How dare they insult Zim in this manner? How quickly they forget that I am Zim the Irken, the first irken ever to blow out the power for nine years!

Group of Irkens: He finds pride in that!

Zim: You've all heard of the energy producing thingy? You're looking at the Irken who created the energy absorbing blob, it ate Tallest Miyuki!

Group of Irkens: What a tragic event!

Zim: I've spent my entire life being amazing! I was a student of the great Control Brain Tomachefski!

_The Irken crowd looks intrigued._

Zim: Yes, he taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, h-he turned to me, on his deactivation date, and said: "Soldier Zim, ALAMENSHINLOOSHIMOCKIN! HEGIN TOGAGATION POCKIN PISHIPIPICOCKIN!

Random Irken: What does that _mean_?

Zim: Who knows, the technicians erased his mind then, hard to believe he even pronounced my name. But in my equivalent of a heart I knew what he was saying. He was saying "When you're down and out, and everyone thinks you're defective. That's the time to raise your arms up and shout 'ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS IRKEN EMPIRE!'

_The crowd cheers and Zim continues marching, but with renewed strength. His every step matches the music and he shows off to random members of the crowd. Finally he reaches the center of the city and he hoists himself up on his spider legs._

Zim: I used to be the best! The best of all invaders! Again I will be the best, and conquer planet Earth! They'll be parades in my honor. You'll see my name in lights again, statues erected to show my worthiness, my spirits high as cruisers again, I'll never be questioned again, I'll taste the fruits of victory again, no plethora of plights again, no banishments to food courts again, no frantic fits or fights again, favors in my sights again, I'll take those long vacations again, I'M GONNA SCALE THE HEIGHTS AGAIN! Zim the Irken will never drop, Zim the Irken will never stop! Zim the Irken will be on top, AGAIN!

_A large crowd is gathered by now and watches in awe as Zim scales a tall building while singing. He grabs the Irken flag on the top of the building and screams the last words._

Zim: I'LL BE ON TOP AGAIN!


	4. Spooky Mind Tricks

A/N: The song featured in this chapter is based off of The Producer's"We Can Do It".

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim or The Producers.

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Shortly after, Zim lands back in his base on Earth. With a sigh, he sits down on the couch in the main room and begins to think of a new plan for Earth's conquest. Suddenly he jumps up and exclaims, "ZIM HAS GOT IT!" He begins to pace the living room, musing over his new plan. "I shall create a hypnotic musical on what the humans call.. Brood-woay! Then, for my performance will be the best source of entertainment EVER, all of the human population will watch it and become my slaves!" he broke off in a burst of maniacal laughter.

His gleefulness was cut short, however, due to Dib kicking the front door open and rushing in. He stopped in a battle stance, a water gun clutched in his hands. "You won't be hypnotizing anyone Zim!" the (annoying) human declared. Thinking fast, Zim tried to use spooky mind tricks on Dib to convert him to his side. "Why don't you help me do it?" he practically yelled, twitching when he realized the stupidity of his suggestion. Dib stood in shock for a moment, wondering what possessed Zim to say that. (Hey! I couldn't think of anything else!) He quickly regained his composure and replied, "WHAT! Are you insane, Zim? I'm trying to SAVE the human race, not enslave it! I would never turn against my own species! Besides, your plan isn't going to work anyway." Zim bristled, but quickly hid his anger, deciding to keep using his mind tricks. By that, I mean he decided to sing.

We Can Do it, You Pathetic Human:

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_Zim walks over to Dib, a fake smile plastered on his face._

Zim: Don't you see Dib? Disgusting Dib, hideous human? It's so simple! Step one: We find the most ingenious play ever written. Step two: We hire the most brain-washable director in town. Step three: I raise two million Earth-monies!

_Dib raises an eyebrow, too stunned to do anything else._

Dib: Two?

Zim: Yes, to fund the project! It must be great!

Zim: Step four: We hire the best actors on the Earth and open up on Brood-woay! And before you can say step five: The humans are hypnotized, they're in my control and I rule the Earth! With your assistance of course.

_Dib seems to still be skeptical._

Dib: With _my _assistance? I'd never help you! AND YOUR PLAN IS GOING TO FAIL!

_Zim carries on as though he wasn't just screamed at._

Zim: Oh ye of little faith!

_He strikes a heroic pose._

Zim: (He has no clue who he's talking about and pronounces everyone's names wrong.) What did Leywis say to Clarv when everything looked bleak? What did Sire Ed-mend say to Tenksying as they pitifully struggled towards Everest Peak? What did Washigtong say to his troops as they crossed the Deelaware, I'm sure you're well aware!

_Dib looks extremely skeptical now, wondering how Zim learned so much about Earth's history yet still pronounce everyone's names wrong. He smirks, doubting Zim knew the answers to his own questions._

Dib: What _did _they say?

_Zim starts to march, grabbing a hold of Dib with one of his spider legs and dragging him along._

Zim: We… Can… Do it. We can do it. We can do it ME and _you_.

_He says "you" with contempt._

Zim: We can do it, we can do it. We can make **my** dreams come true!

_Zim drops a dazed Dib in front of him and explains…some…stuff._

Zim: Everything you've ever wanted is just waiting to be had! Pitiful slaves, wearing nothing but rags, serving you and praising you and driving you mad.

_He resumes his march as Dib tries to struggle out of the spider legs grasp on his hair spike._

Zim: We can do it! We can do it. This is not the time to shirk. We can do it, you won't rue it! Say goodbye to planet Earth! Be Zim's slave-er… partner. Yes, Zim's partner! I mean you Dib prove your worth. We can do it, we can do it! And I know it's gonna work!

_He drops Dib again._

Zim: What do you say Dib?

_Dib gets up and seems oddly touched by Zim's words._

Dib: What do I say? An actual chance to be Earth's ruler. What do I say? Finally a chance to show the world that I'm not insane, sir. What do I say? What do I say?

_Dib glares at Zim._

Dib: Here's what I say to you _sir_! I can't do it. I can't do it! I can't do it, that's not me. Earth is my home, I was born here. I protect it don't you see? When it comes to ruling slaves, there's a few things that I lack. Human slaves, wearing nothing but rags. Serving me and praising me, I'D SET THEM ALL FREE!

_Zim looks shocked at first but his facial features quickly assume an expression of pure hatred. He slowly starts to advance towards Dib._

Zim: Why you pathetic, unworthy, wretched little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?

Zim's spider legs extend out of his PAK, connecting together to form make-shift butterfly wings.

Zim: Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to enslavement!

Dib: NO!

_Dib kicks one of the spider legs and runs out of the door as his adversary crashes down. Zim hurriedly retracts his mechanical legs and follows the human, throwing on his disguise. He spots Dib at the end of the cul-de-sac and sprints after him. Once he was close enough, they both began arguing._

(Zim and Dib Simultaneously,

Zim: We can do it, we can do it, we can destroy this planet. We can do it, WE CAN DO IT! Pick on others, not be picked on. C'mon Dib-stinko, can't you see-o?

Dib: Zim you moron, stop this song you've got me wrong. I'm a human trying to protect the planet you are on. Zim you jerk can't you see I'm not a crook. I'm just a human trying to save the Earth, I WON'T HELP YOU! I wooooon't do it!)

_Dib stops in front of the skool, whirling around to face Zim._

Dib: You see leadership, I see jail!

_He runs up the stairs to the skool building and places his hand on the door handle._

Zim: WE CAN DO IIIIIIT!

Dib: I WON'T DO IT!

Zim: WE CAN DO IIIIIIIIT!

Dib: I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it! Cus I'd never help an alien!

Zim: We can do it, I know it cannot-

Dib: Gonna-

Dib and Zim: FAIL!

_Dib enters the building, slamming the door closed._


	5. Earth's Protector

A/N: Sorry for the wait, and thanks to everyone who reviewed! It may take a while for me to write the next chapter because I have no clue how to make it Invader Zim related. The song that appears in this chapter is based on "I Wanna Be A Producer". And it is also based on the Original Broadway Cast Recording's version of that song.

Disclaimer: I dun' own Invader Zim or the Producers.

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Dib entered Ms. Bitter's classroom and sat down at his desk. 'Become partners with Zim? He has to be up to something if he even considered that!' he thought, reviewing what had just occurred. Suddenly, the decrepit old teacher appeared in front of the chalkboard. "Class," the scary, snake-like woman began, "today's lecture is about global warming, and how it will cause the destruction of the world." She started to drone on about the topic, not paying any attention to the class. The students, excluding Dib, started to chant the same words over and over again.

I Wanna Be Earth's Protector:

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Students: Unhappy, unhappy, veeeeery unhappy. Unhappy, unhappy, very, very, very, very, very, very, very unhappy!

_The students go back to drawing, sleeping, and generally being bored. Dib however starts to sing softly to himself. (Because EVERYONE sings in this fanfic/parody.)_

Dib: I've spent my life being picked on, by skool bullies.

Class: Unhappy.

Dib: Where is praise of being Earth's savior?

Class: Unhappy.

Dib: I have a burning desire, to be respected. It sets my heart afire to see me in this role…

_The classroom vanishes, leaving Dib completely alone in this empty space. He seems undeterred though, and keeps singing._

Dib: I want to be Earth's protector, proving the existence of aliens. I want to be Earth's protector, finding paranormal things all day. I want to be Earth's protector, dissect Zim on live TV. I wanna be Earth's protector, and show everyone I'm sane!

_He starts to sing louder and more confidently as he strolls through the empty area he's in._

Dib: I want to be Earth's protector, and look for bigfoot.

_Zita, Mary, Jessica, and Gretchen appear out of nowhere and hum to the music._

Dib: I wanna be Earth's protector, and save you,

He points to Mary.

Dib: You,

He points to Zita.

Dib: You,

_He points to Gretchen somewhat reluctantly. Then looks at Jessica, remembering how much she insulted him._

Dib: Not you.

_Jessica pouts while the other girls continue humming._

Dib: I want to be Earth's protector, win a medal for my efforts! I want to be Earth's protector, and be responsible for Earth's survival!

_Dib, for whatever reason, begins to tap dance. The girls look at each other, shrug, and join him. They stop after a moment and begin singing._

Girls: He wants to be a protector of his home planet Earth. He wants to be Earth's protector, every pocket stuffed with,

Jessica: CASH!

Girls: He wants to be Earth's protector, save us from the Irken empire!

Zita: Oh, wow!

Mary: Ohhhhh neat!

Jessica: Ew, him?

Gretchen: YES!

Girls: He wants to be Earth's protector, with a great big club of fans.

_They all start tap dancing again. Jessica and Dib sending glares at each other the entire time._

Dib: I wanna be,

Girls: He wants to be,

Dib: I want to be,

Girls: He wants to be,

Dib: I wanna be the greatest, grandest, and most respected protector of the world!

_A platform rises out of the ground and carries Dib up._

Girl: He wants to be planet Earth's savior! He wants recognition for his efforts!

Dib: I just got to be the world's protector, and stop Zim from ruling Earth!

Girls: Stop Zim from ruling the Earth!

Dib: I want to be Earth's protector, show the world that I am right. I'm gonna show the world that Zim's an alien, read my name in Crop Circles magazine.

_The platform stops and the entire area begins to shake. Zita, Jessica, Mary, and a very sad Gretchen disappear. Dib closes his eyes and attempts to finish._

Dib: I WANT TO BE EARTH'S PROTECTOR-

_Before he can, however, the platform comes crashing down and he blacks out. He opens his eyes and realizes he is back in the classroom. He sighs._

Dib: And I am, but no one… can see.

Class: Unhappy, unhappy, so unhappy, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very saaaaaad.

Dib: I want to be Earth's protector…

_Dib slams his head on his desk. Slowly he lifts himself up, looking around the room. He doesn't have the urge to sing at the moment, so he speaks normally._

Dib: Hold everything… What am I doing here? Zim's plan might actually succeed, and I'm not doing anything about it?

_He stands up, the entire class staring at him._

Dib: What have I done? I have to get back to his base!

_Ms. Bitters slithers over to him, her eyes narrowed dangerously._

Ms. Bitters: Dib! Where do you think you're going?

_His excitement outweighs his fear of being sent to the underground classrooms, instead of sinking back down into his chair he stares the demonic teacher straight in the eye._

Dib: Ms. Bitters, I have to save the world from Zim right now, AND I'M NOT INSANE! I'm going to pretend to be his partner, help him with his plan, and then destroy the hypnotic machine!

_He breaks into song again as he rushes over to the door, leaving a confused class and an agitated Ms. Bitters behind._

Dib: I'm gonna save planet Earth! Expose Zim once and for alllllll! I'm gonna be Earth's protector, look out Zim, cus' here I coooooooome!

_He runs into the hallway, slamming the door behind him._


End file.
